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I have moved!!! Join me here at When My Soul Whispers... for new blog posts.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Sexual Abuse

Finding out I was sexually abused as a child (or at least finally having someone substantiate my strong suspicions) has been the single most relieving moment of my life...

The thing is: I always knew something wasn't quite right with me. As a child, due to innocence you assume your environment and everything that happens in it is the normal way for things to be. You believe that all you fears and quirks, thoughts and feelings are all very natural and you question nothing... (I'm triggering myself here - thinking of church). You never see your symptoms as being on a list of the DSM lol ..

I read a theory recently that put forth an explanation of why most childhood survivors forget the abuse until a later age. It was always believed that the trauma was so great that the brain hides it in repressed memories to deal with the pain that couldn't be handled by a child. However, if the child in his/her innocence doesn't see the abuse as wrong why would the brain interpret it as a traumatic event? Hmm...

The new theory states that we forget because of that, exactly!  It was a normal event in our history from your young perspective. We forgot in the way that we eventually forget a childhood toy unless reminded by some random happening (trigger).  I like this theory. I have fresh clear memories of being appropriately touched by an adult male as a child. However, they didn't feel inappropriate at the time.

To the point of this post though... (I detour A LOT) 

I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) - It is by no means as terrible as it sounds, occurring (at least partly due to childhood sexual abuse/trauma. As I research this condition (empowerment is priceless) I realize that almost every strange thing about me has a cause and most of my fears can be traced back to this occurrence.

Whew!

Relief!

 I now feel as though I can move forward head held high knowing that most negative things about me are a product of what happened to me at an age where I was too young to understand. In other words I am not inherently a 'monster'. Persons with BPD get a bad rap on the Internet, mostly described as overly emotional, moody, manipulative etc. Like any thing else, if we take the time to understand that which we ourselves do not experience it makes a significant difference in what we are able to tolerate... and maybe even empathize?

[Note: I had adopted the false belief that I was inherently a monster after my experience in a spiritually abusive organization.]

BPD, Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD)

Labels that do not define me. Instead, they serve as a road map with a code; showing where I've been and the horrors I have survived. Most importantly, they grant direction on how to continue the journey of life in a healthier way :). Am I proud of them? Hmm... Well, I am definitely NOT ashamed. I had no control over the events that led to these diagnoses, but i will certainly do my part to spread awareness, reduce stigma and support other survivors both personally and professionally.

I stand by my belief that there is always an explanation or cause for people being the way they are. It may not justify their actions but at least they can be explained.

The human being isn't inherently good or bad. S/he is inherently human - Sylphe

My Life Truisms (subject and open to change and growth)

So, Mr. Red Button has flexed his self help muscles a bit (see post here) ... I found it a soothing, helpful read which felt like it flowed naturally from his very interesting brain...

Which got me thinking.... Is there a self-help guru living inside each Bipolar and if so, why...? I believe it was Ghandi (don't quote me on this) who said some fluffy thing about 'the wounded healer'..

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light...

The shift that occurs in spirit, (vibrational energy or chakra if you will) when a person moves from depression into hypo-mania can be likened to emerging from a cavernous dark depth into glaring sunshine of hope and renewal.

Stumbling out of her dark night, she had finally found the sun

Having to experiece this ever so often does something to one's ability to empathize and may contribute to some deeply perceptive thinking.

That being considered, here are my ...


Life Truisms... (very open to discussion, change and growth - I despise absolutes)


1. "Everything happens for a reason" is not a baseless, bland repitition learned from Sunday School teachers..

Everything DOES happen for a reason. Your spin on it determines whether or not that reason produces life-enhancing or life-diminishing results

2. The universe is always sending us messages... whether or not be embrace the messenger or appreciate the envelope.


3. Your brain has the ability to lie to you. For example during a panic attack my brain tells me that I cannot breathe. Most times it is difficult not to believe the lies our brains ooze.

When I am depressed, I cannot trust my thoughts; my brain lies to me. So, I go and sit next to people who love me and know  my worth.... I listen to them instead.

4. "You are not alone in this" - is one of the most comforting realizations any human being can have. it immediately sends out ripples of hope. That small connection has healing qualities.


5. Who you think you are and what you think you believe can be wiped out in a second by ONE life changing experience.

The awareness that a new experience can demolish the most deeply seated conviction terrifies me. I hesitate to hold on too dearly to any cause for fear that my truism may have to change without a day's notice.

6. The prnciples of Buddhism appeals to me more than the rigid laws of Christianity. Interestingly, I find the messages of Buddha and Christ quite similar.


7. Perspective is EVERYTHING.

Since I grasped this, I have been able to appreciate both sides of any argument without becoming emotionally attached to either.

8. People find balance and fulfillment in different ways. It doesnt necessarily mean its the wrong way. If someone is not on your road that doesn't mean they are lost.


9. Fear can be synonymous with hate. We tend to hate that which we fear. Fear, hatred and ignorance combine to create a happy team: Prejudice. Find yourself hating something? Ask yourself why you fear it or try to explore and learn something about it.


10. One negative quality doesn't make a person bad all over. We each have a unique blend.

We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light (sometimes with the help of a therapist *wide grin*)

Depression: temporarily seeing only the negative aspects of yourself
Narcissism: permanently seeing only the yummy stuff about yourself 


11. The amazing human being has the potential to adjust to almost (I fear absolutes) any situation.

If you hang around the strangest thing long enough, it becomes common place...Just ask the person who processes dead bodies or scrapes up fecal matter for a living...

Interestingly, I used to process fecal matter for a living  hehe.. I'm well adjusted.

12. When your right to freedom infringes on the freedom of others...Mmmm something just doesnt feel 'free' anymore.

Sure! You can do whatever you please! - When you live on Planet Me. Until then, earth is occupied by other human beings who also have equal rights. Let's not blur freedom with selfish, inconsiderate behaviour that is harmful to others.

Me, rich?! Never!!

It took me some time (probably due to years of brainwashing)...but I've eventually arrived at the realization that;

Rich is not synonymous with evil!! *gasp*

In fact there is nothing wrong with being rich.  Getting rich by fraudulent means, perhaps; being rich and evading taxes- questionable; being rich and thinking you are better than others- definitely!!

But being rich itself is not a bad thing.

There are several people who have used their riches to help empower others. "Empower" being the key word since handouts equals slavery insurance..

So, somewhere in Half Way Tree, Kingston while slushing it through street city mud to fight my way into an illegal taxi; the obnoxious driver of which ordered me to "come outta mi car nuh woman!!!"- I decided I wanted to be rich.

Just imagine this is the only means of transportation for most people. At this particular point, it was an option for me.

The demure, prudent chant most of my life was: "I don't want to be rich, I want to be comfortable".  It was repeated in school and reinforced in church. Sigh. Why, why do I always end up talking abt church. Sigh. My poor therapist. ..

Same people who, by the way, were 'comfortable' enough to have SUV's but not well-off enough to help someone with groceries for sunday dinner - not a hypothetical scenario.

Somehow, somewhere that religious environment encouraged this twisted belief. No shocker. Oh right! That bible verse. The one about it being "hard for a rich man to enter heaven". Ah!!

 That and some choice  adjectives just seemed inextricably linked. Eg. Rich fool, evil rich man, selfish rich person etc. So. The loaded language promoted that line of thinking.

Well newsflash false humility bearers!! To be comfortable in a third world country, you kinda gotta be rich.

There were no rich people in church. Oh sure, they drove cars and lived in nice homes had kids in prep school and enjoyed annual vacations, but they were all up to their eyeballs in debt!

Their highly paid salaries competed with mortgages, car payments, credit card payments as they struggled along in financial mediocrity.

I called my sister one morning after hustling by public transportation to Kingston, late for class and too tired and traumatised from the trip to catch what was left of it...

"Paula, you were right, not only is poverty a lack of bare necessities but a state of indignity."

Transportation is one form of this imposed indignity. If I start on healthcare I will weep.

After my son underwent successful ENT surgery at one of the country's private hospitals, I solidified my resolve to acquire wealth (ooh felt dirty writing that. Smh). The surgery cost Ja$267,000 . No matter what country you're from or what currency you are accustomed to, it is a huge sum. ..way above our means.

My father whom I owe a million apologies for elevating to monster status due to his riches had with little prompting and no hesitation, written the cheque.

Another deeply psychological factor in my aversion to money had to do with his financial success with coincided with my parents' divorce. And, as unrelated variables usually are, his acquiring wealth was engraved as causation for my parents' spilt in our family forever.

I cannot begin to express (again..) how important it is for human beings to think for themselves. I think with remorse of all the financial advice I ignored from my dad merely because he said it...

Wealth is not what you drive or how luxurious your house is, daddy would say... Its a balance between how much you owe and how many years of slavery would pay off ur bills.
With a wag of his calloused, hard working finger he warned me against loans of ANY kind.... Not even hire purchase at the country's most popular furniture/appliance store - Courts.
 My dad despised loans.

I have come 360 degrees in finally accepting the advice of my dad. At 28, I was married, had a toddler, lived in a roadside apt, had a grad school loan, 2 credit card loans and a hire purchase loan from Courts plus no job!!!

Have I learnt my lesson?

Well, I've paid off one credit card while making significant dents in another, I now have a stable savings plan and a college fund for my three year old.

Most importantly, I have a wealth plan. Its an intricate individualized financial scheme (sounds sinister, doesn't it?) tailored to my goals and income.

I qualify for an NHT loan, but will resist. I've never relished bondage and $19,000 every month for the next 40 years for a mediocre dwelling sounds like just that. Ugh! 

I have plans: Eeek!

To start my own businesses (yes, several). Online or face to face, owning a business appears to be a fast way out of the cyclic rat race and into financial independence and freedom.

Wanting to be rich is not necessarily a dirty, selfish ambition as I previously, haughtily assumed. It's a logical methodological decision to be in a position to actually do things and help people, not just to yap about it.

Hopefully I'll help to empower other females with this lowly blog.

Instead of living within my means, I've decided how I would like to live and I am working towards the means to afford that lifestyle. - SB

Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

Who needs a relationship when you have a cause?

On relationships and other distractions….

I’m addicted to planning, clearly…. It’s the Virgo in me.  I’m also slightly Leon which is a relief, I’ve never felt like a true Virgo anyway…And you are wondering what the hell I’m talking about .

Ok…

The never-ending search continues digging and probing into self with various psychological and now astrological instruments…. Red Button says Sylphe sounds like self-search – somehow… I’m drifting. You will notice that this post is  poorly constructed, worded, thought out and riddled with stray points, loops and distractions – which leads me back to my original point….

Intimate relationships are distracting…

I’m sitting on this overlapping leg of life where at 30 (ok….29), I’m desperately trying to unlearn all of the  ideas and beliefs I mindlessly swallowed and find what suits me best based on my unique identity. It happens to us all; to varying degrees at various intervals of life. In grade 3 we were taught in Subtraction that three minus five – you can’t!! Then by grade six the answer to the same question changed quite concretely to negative two!! It went on and on like this with Math especially. Problems thought to be unsolvable, would be attacked with a new more complicated formula etc..

I despise absolutes and I believe knowledge to be cumulative. Things learned in the past are superseded by better information from a more knowledgeable (or more evolved) source.

Old ideas become obsolete when new improved ways are discovered. Dear Darling.. Don’t even think about mentioning God. The myriad of interpretations of the bible alone has not even begun to scratch the iceberg’s surface. I believe in evolution… not just of man but of beliefs, religions, even truths. Darn it! I’ve strayed again haven’t I?

*shuffling back meekly*

Back to relationships….

I’m in one.....

  With a guy.....

     Who shan’t be named....

 Despite my self-professed cynicism, I am a romantic at heart (gross). But the thing is this: I’m beginning to wonder if I have been substituting true empowerment ( which I stumbled upon on my way out of a legalistic organization and away from a religious marriage) for some flowery feelings which will eventually wilt. You see the consistent flow of inner conflict? My realism and romanticism are at it again.

So Astrology is my latest interest (via my convicted sis)…. Wait a minute!! I see a pattern here!! (For another post, I promise…).

If I am a perfect Leo/Virgo cusp (that’s a person whose signs overlap and hence they display characteristics of both)[ Random thought: Virgos sound anal], that would explain a lot!! I am also exploring the possibility of bipolars merely being on the cusp of two very incompatible zodiac signs. I am a perfect blend of the lion and the virgin.

Anyway….no more drifts no matter how entertaining it is…

My neglected blog is evidence of my shift in mental/creative energy towards my new beau. After months of bashing (when will I learn not to bash?) disempowered women, I am severely embarrassed. My slightly addictive and quite obsessive nature (as pointed out by my cardiologist) has led me to be quite smitten with this twirly glittery thing I will call “deep like” – I choked that out, I swear!

I feel the sweaty palmed fear of Liz in ‘Eat Pray Love’ at the notion of losing this new independent/empowering/self-accepting plane that I grasped with slippery hands and somehow heaved myself up on. I’ve feared to the point where I shaped this damning opinion; that relationships are for weaklings who didn’t know themselves and are clearly beneath me.

Julia Roberts ['Liz' in Eat Pray Love]

This feeling is encouraged especially if I break out in a rampage while searching for empowering material on the Net. I am the left with a euphoric independent high, one rank up on the mentally evolved chain.

*gasp* could this be: Independent pride?

It isn’t all in my head though. Studies have linked autonomy to happiness. Being single is exhilarating! It’s the new chic, and not just a fad either.

Maybe: The key is to maintain autonomy by recognizing that I want/choose to be in a cuddly sweet twirly thing however I don’t need to be in one. In other words, I’m still Stephie, the kooky bipolar, enjoying this journey in unexplored territory. Still me… just dating a nice guy (he is quite nice ).

Can I maintain my independence and by extension- identity or will the annoyingly feminine part of me start to shape shift to better ‘fit’ him. This is my true fear. Especially after realizing that it is easier to conform than to maintain one’s unique edges.

I like my edges.

 “The notion that there is someone out there waiting to ‘complete’ you lends itself to the ridiculous idea that you are incomplete alone” - SB

Un- Eclipse me...

Half of me... Right down the middle; is really excited about all my plans for the future...building my home, starting an online business, advocacy and even this shy blog :)

The other half is terribly depressed and keeps me sitting in my glider, vacant expression, feet firmly immobilised and unable to hop to the first task.. Guess this is a mixed state or....


A full frontal eclipse...

With exactly half of me facing the sun in a future's-so-bright-I-gotta-wear-shades sort of way. The other half completly blocked out and peering gloomily into the dark void.

Hello Bipolar!

Sigh..

It's tricky to describe a mood disorder. I crave normal feelings, even regular crankiness anything but these extremes, made worse when they exist at the same time in the same body and mind. Feeling low is crippling to a bipolar- even your intelligence drops a few quotients #smirk. Then, feeling good equals being unhinged- a little too unhinged.

So.

I quit coffee and I figure if I can do that I can get through anything :). I should be off liquor too though I safely sip occasionally *wink.

 Everyone has something carrying around - to keep them human... when you deny your flaw/weakness, you deny your humanity and can no longer empathize with the weaknesses of others.

So I walk around, coexisting with fellow members of humanity- thieves, murderers, mentally ill, broken, bruised, healed ...

... despite their current condition, I simply think: "That's their load, bipolar is mine...." -  I smile, say hello and wonder if the unconditional acceptance of one human being can really make any difference.

Hmmm..

Shedding Cultural Skin: Part 1

Disclaimer #1: I am hardly an expert on Jamaican culture in fact I fail miserably at grasping most of our accepted ways of thinking and behaving...

Most of our die hard beliefs lack logic, reasoning of any form and are overdue for a well deserved intervening kick in the arse! ...but thats just my opinion: it doesnt have to be agreeable  after all, our statistics are a series of paradoxical facts (or are they telling us something else?)

Such as the crime rate which is directly proportional to the number of churches and by extension - denominations,
But today is not church bashing day...


Apparently, it is a cultural disgrace for two Jamaican men to physically fight over a Jamaican woman - you know the not so proverbial love triangle gone sour or worse - public - eek!

So men are NOT to fight over women; it's almost as disgraceful as being boxed (bitch slapped) by a woman in Jamaica, which incidentally is another debatable double standard issue in the island.
But today is not women-who-bash bashing day...

It is: 'Why is it acceptable for two women to fight over a man but not two men over a woman' day!


So the story was spilled in the back store room by Puck*..... who was so revved up by it he had no problem retelling it 5 times as the remaining employees arrived; each time with added gusto and elaborated details.

Comments included: "look how many girls are in the world, why would I fight over one?" - fair enough, Puck. "What a disgrace, those men cant show their faces for awhile" - OK, wondering why. "Only fool-fool (foolish) men fight over a woman!) - clearly, who would fight over something with such little value.

OK, before my bitterness gets the best of me and sends me over the edge which I now hover, let me just state...

Disclaimer #2: I am against violence in any shape or form and can barely grant my 3 yr old a well-deserving slap on the wrist for sass.

But this conversation was getting out of hand...amid snickers, hoots and smirks that say: glad its not me - you know the ones that hide our own secret shame in someone else's public disgrace? Yep, those.
To make matters more grisly, apparently the object of contention was a lowly barmaid...oh the shame!


All is well and good, if you would never fight over a girl or for any other reason (kudos to you) but my angle - albeit consistently twisted, was this:

Fighting for my boyfriend is good entertaining stuff and encouraged in every other dance-hall song released, but me.... the awesome beautiful Jamaica woman that I am .....I am not worthy of a good jousting match?
Explain, Puck! Explain why it is OK for me to defend my relationship with my oh so worthy (and in short supply) so called good man... but he should never lift a finger against a man for me - Oh dear, have I answered my own question with the term 'short supply'? eek!

Sorry, but the ole equality obsessed monster in me was awakened by yet another clear display of gender prejudice.

Change and Grow peeps and think while you're at it. sigh


*names have been altered to preserve confidentiality #sheepish grin