Borderline Personality Disorder and Sexual Abuse

Finding out I was sexually abused as a child (or at least finally having someone substantiate my strong suspicions) has been the single most relieving moment of my life...

The thing is: I always knew something wasn't quite right with me. As a child, due to innocence you assume your environment and everything that happens in it is the normal way for things to be. You believe that all you fears and quirks, thoughts and feelings are all very natural and you question nothing... (I'm triggering myself here - thinking of church). You never see your symptoms as being on a list of the DSM lol ..

I read a theory recently that put forth an explanation of why most childhood survivors forget the abuse until a later age. It was always believed that the trauma was so great that the brain hides it in repressed memories to deal with the pain that couldn't be handled by a child. However, if the child in his/her innocence doesn't see the abuse as wrong why would the brain interpret it as a traumatic event? Hmm...

The new theory states that we forget because of that, exactly!  It was a normal event in our history from your young perspective. We forgot in the way that we eventually forget a childhood toy unless reminded by some random happening (trigger).  I like this theory. I have fresh clear memories of being appropriately touched by an adult male as a child. However, they didn't feel inappropriate at the time.

To the point of this post though... (I detour A LOT) 

I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) - It is by no means as terrible as it sounds, occurring (at least partly due to childhood sexual abuse/trauma. As I research this condition (empowerment is priceless) I realize that almost every strange thing about me has a cause and most of my fears can be traced back to this occurrence.

Whew!

Relief!

 I now feel as though I can move forward head held high knowing that most negative things about me are a product of what happened to me at an age where I was too young to understand. In other words I am not inherently a 'monster'. Persons with BPD get a bad rap on the Internet, mostly described as overly emotional, moody, manipulative etc. Like any thing else, if we take the time to understand that which we ourselves do not experience it makes a significant difference in what we are able to tolerate... and maybe even empathize?

[Note: I had adopted the false belief that I was inherently a monster after my experience in a spiritually abusive organization.]

BPD, Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD)

Labels that do not define me. Instead, they serve as a road map with a code; showing where I've been and the horrors I have survived. Most importantly, they grant direction on how to continue the journey of life in a healthier way :). Am I proud of them? Hmm... Well, I am definitely NOT ashamed. I had no control over the events that led to these diagnoses, but i will certainly do my part to spread awareness, reduce stigma and support other survivors both personally and professionally.

I stand by my belief that there is always an explanation or cause for people being the way they are. It may not justify their actions but at least they can be explained.

The human being isn't inherently good or bad. S/he is inherently human - Sylphe

You think...

You love something, but you don't.. Not if you want to own it, suffocate it, have it fulfil your selfish desires, quiet your monstrous insecurities, and never let it be itself...

My bipolar hair...

 

Nope..I have not cut my hair...

But, like my personality it seems to prefer one end of the spectrum at a time... lol. When wet, it's super short and curly followed by frizzy and unruly. When heat blown, it straightens down my back and the colour is blinding in sunlight!

I have concluded that bipolar is a little like having a split personality... simply put. Like my hair - water acts as a trigger for it to change it's characteristics dramatically, and the heat calms it down, somewhat..

Similarly my triggers (bad memories, alcohol, coffee, OTC flu meds) cause a swing in mood so severe it's like two people exist in shifts in my body. 

I haven't really blogged directly about bipolar because I'm still trying to figure it out- atleast to me and how it affects me personally....meaning even though I have done enough  research to teach a course on it, I still think that each person has varying aspects that they struggle with even when afflicted (ooh strong word there!) with the same medical condition.

Another reason would be fear of stigma and discrimination, I admit quite reluctantly. It does seem a bit hypocritical though, considering all my talk about self-love and acceptance.... So here it is. I AM BIPOLAR (eek... hope too many ppl don't see this post) hehe. <----- hypocrisy is hard to kill...lol

I took medication once and had such a severe side effect that it has remained at 'once'! Instead I take Omega and other fatty acid supplements, avoid my triggers (wore black for a week  to mourn loss of coffee...*sniffles*), keep tabs on my moods, take frequent breaks when overwhelmed at work (now I really hope my boss isn't reading this) and basically get up everyday and tell myself "it's going to be OK" ...some days I actually believe it.

I think it's important like with any other illness to find what works... Oh oh !! Exercise and music therapy is seriously under-rated!! They work beautifully together. 

The key is to keep happy but grounded, although, only a bipolar would understand the dangers of being too happy... yeah.

My biggest challenge is remembering that bipolar is something I have, NOT who I am.

Thumbs Up for Emotional Health!

So I have two jobs after one, dreary, penny-pinching year of unemployment!! And can I say they are both sooooo cooool!!! Eeek!

One is assisting at a new store my very lovely sister manages...but the other... Blow My mind!!!!...Pays no money whatsoever but is granting me a wonderful insight into Emotional Health and hence getting me this bit closer to my career and life goals!! Awesome stuff! I've been meeting people who are almost as excited as I am about  Mental Health, attacking the stigma and discrimination, educating the masses and most importantly stopping all these teenage suicides...grrrr..

My first post for this blog (Who Am I?) outlined a few of my objectives for Mental Health and explains why it is so personal to me.. One day If I'm brave enough I'll explain (via blog of course) my own tumultuous adolescence and why I deeply feel for and connect with those who believe that the only way out is to take their life...

I want to work with adolescents so badly. I have a soft spot for teens...you know that whole misunderstood, self expression, identity crises era..How many of us can forget. But, truth is, and a supervisor of mine mentioned it; teens today have so much more to deal with than we did... I agree to an extent and could possibly argue both sides, but stats dont lie!!

Suicide, albeit denied by Dr. Abel is either on the rise or getting enough media attention for us to be worried about ideation increase. So its my issue, my cause. I'm rooting for all those Mental Health workers who battle each day to bring another kid back from the edge and sent home with a fresh dose of hope.

On my side, I would love to develop Emotional Health Promotion and get the self love message out there to those teens at risk.

You see, peeps, the principle doesn't change much... If I get my sense of value form an external source, when that goes I have nothing else to live for. My stance is that we get these teens to see the value in themselves, intrinsically, inherently....whichever is the correct word, get the drift?

I feel strongly about this!!! So much so that I would love to pursue future studies in Psychology and do some Adolescence specialization so I can become a practitioner.

Suicide is 100% Preventable!!

To the unsung heroes working with children and adolescence, their parents and teachers, keep up the excellent work! I honour you!!

Change and Growth (has occurred) - SB

A night well spent.

Its funny how you get inspired in the most unlikely places.

We rode in numbing silence to the hospital after getting the call that my son had experienced yet another febrile convulsion ( a high unresponsive fever that triggers off epilepsy-like seizures), Strangely, I felt calm...unlike the first time, four months before when I was convinced that I was paying for some heinous unspeakable sin and surely deserved this punishment...This kind of thinking had been supported by my previous religious organization. I hadn't been to church in awhile, so here is the devil coming to take my child...?

Needless to say I felt the choking poisonous thoughts resurfacing and had to remind myself quite willfully to think positively. This time was surely different. I had grown from that, right? My indoctrinated thoughts could no longer hurt me now that I knew the truth about my organization and their intense need for control through dark means...

 I was better right? I sighed anxiously and got Oth settled in his hospital bed, plopped myself in the hard unyielding hospital chair reserved for Pediatric ward parents (they have gotta do something about those seats). I braced myself for a night of self flogging, despair and hopelessness.

...It never came. I barely slept but due to optimistic excitement about my blog, my website and a million other things that I could positively contribute to. I thought to myself: How could God want me dead (punished) after my mistake but at every turn I found myself being more and more enlightened and inspired to do wonderful things with my life and to help many people?

It so happened I brought a book, "The Authentic Power" and managed in a few chapters between sponging Othneil and carefully looking for signs of an impending seizure. It was just what I needed to whip my lazy mind back to reality. I felt so happy and upbeat I actually forgot where I was.

What if all the black and white rules we were taught about wrong and right and sin and purity were off by a few shades of gray with even some yellow , orange and green thrown in there for variety.

I made friends in the hospital that night. Women who worriedly watched over their babies and hushed them when they fussed. Women from all backgrounds and standings and religions. We bonded immediately over our singleness of purpose in that place...to see our child well and to take him/her home. A mother next to me actually got Othneil to drink his paracetamol (he has never ever!!!)....Others had encouraging words or teasing jokes to share. I was inspired.

My life isn't over! God isn't out to get me! I am still a person of value with much to offer.... But for so long, their opinions have taken a God-like role in my life that now even after leaving it is difficult to free my pattern of thought..... But I will. The night at the hospital was just another step, up another rung toward the true freedom to light and away from darkness and bondage wrapped in a frilly dress...

 Othneil: Mommy, say 'aah' [trying to get me to take his paracetamol...lol]

It was a night well spent... 

Sylphe or Stephanie? Who Am I?

In 2010/2011 while pursuing a graduate degree in Public Health, I was diagnosed (albeit self) with two incurable, untreatable diseases: Psoriasis, an immune condition of the skin triggered by stress and Bi-polar disorder, a mental health illness resulting in severe depression or excessive unrealistic feelings of high…the greater the high, the greater the low that followed it.

Strangely, the knowledge of these conditions didn’t take me by surprise neither did they plunge me into immediate despair and depression (unless that cycle of bi-polar had kicked in..lol). I have always found it a most interesting and amazing thing to 'self discover', whether good or bad, the little nuggets that create our me-ness”…. I have always felt special and different (and so should everyone, for we all are) and had often wondered what my unique individual contribution to mankind would be… Somewhat of a philosopher since the early age of nine, I dug constantly, analyzed and revisited many aspects of myself, my childhood and family in search of 'me'.

Recently, I have been looking for a way to combine skills learned in MPH with knowledge and personal desire, dreams and goals as well as my unique talents. I found this satisfying conclusion in the fact that I would help to develop Emotional Health as a discipline especially in developing countries where such things were scoffed at and a good scolding and some hot tea was the accepted treatment for any signs of emotional imbalance. With great intentions, there were many who due to ignorance were mis-diagnosing emotional problems and also the grand confusion and indistinct relationship with mental health/illness.

Two positives for the movement of emotional health forward were: 1. Stress, particularly in the workplace had gained considerable attention and less fortunately the suicide rate among teenagers and young people had risen (despite what Dr. Abel denies) in Jamaica. I saw my country unequipped to handle this based not only on lack of exposure but a cultural resistance to seeing emotional health as important as physical health. After all, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy, if most basic needs were not met, how could we even begin to acknowledge the growing need for a new discipline of health? Or how can we accept it as being equally important if we have lived so long without it?

So, who am I and where do I fit in to all these happenings? Having had Bipolar since adolescence (unknowingly) I recall the emotional struggles of fitting in, appearing 'normal', self esteem issues, parents divorce and many other tumultuous happenings in a teen's life. Even though I'm still here, clearly alive (maybe not so well) I completely understand the feelings that would lead to a teen attempting to take his or her own life. I empathize with every teenager who thinks that the world would be better off without them... I really do..

I have struggled through alone and unsuccessfully in many aspects and no adolescent should have to ever again. 

Emotional Health is personal to me. Only now at the age of twenty eight can I speak openly about depression and feelings of low self esteem and self harm. These things are real. I feel a need to educate my fellow Jamaicans and in doing so save your young people from needless suffering ....