When did a bath become the most luxurious thing to look forward to at the end of the day?

A long shower, taking my own time, using creamy body wash and a special scrub to slough off all old skill cells, tiredness and worries of the day.  Sometimes I go the nine yards and light candles. I look forward to it so much that I’d be angry at Jr for coming home late thus causing me to prolong my wait for the beloved shower time. I just snapped at him in fact for merely suggesting that he take a shower before me…

I cant shower comfortably when Im at home with Oth. This ridiculous notion was birthed while he was still a new born and I watched him vigilantly (even when asleep). Id take snap showers.. three minutes, is my record I believe. In fact long before Camp 2010, I had practiced the principle; turn off the pipe, soap up, turn on the pipe, rinse off, then get the hell out… not in an effort to conserve water but so I could hear every anticipated sound from our bedroom where Oth soundly slept.

Another strategy was to shower before Jr left for work in the mornings! Now that would make my whole day considerably better! But when that failed I often waited until the six o clock hours before I had a really decent shower. It wasn’t so bad when Oth became a toddler, walked, watched TV and could be held spell bound by it long enough for me to indulge.. Then that was at the apartment which was completely baby proof… But here in this much larger house belonging to my hoarder mom (love ya mom), I leave Oth in a room by himself and images of things crashing down on him invade my mind… Him putting his hand in the toilets or finding objects to ingest… For example!! This morning I caught him trying to drink some cuticle oil which was packaged in a very enticing  glass bottle with an unusual shape..which toddler could resist??

Its not just me though, Oth also seems to think that I most definitely should not have a bath when he is awake or around. Once I get in the tub (this has happened too many times) he would appear in the bathroom, try to get in the tub or throw things at me, or just deftly move the curtain and burst out in a peal of uncontrollable giggling…(what does he see that’s sooo funny?)

I just find it impossible to relax in the shower when Oth is here…. So I maniacally defend my shower rights once Jr gets home. The bathroom becomes my place of escape, if only for a few minutes, Im just tending to me…. Hmmm I wonder how I would manage as a single mom?

Sylphe or Stephanie? Who Am I?

In 2010/2011 while pursuing a graduate degree in Public Health, I was diagnosed (albeit self) with two incurable, untreatable diseases: Psoriasis, an immune condition of the skin triggered by stress and Bi-polar disorder, a mental health illness resulting in severe depression or excessive unrealistic feelings of high…the greater the high, the greater the low that followed it.

Strangely, the knowledge of these conditions didn’t take me by surprise neither did they plunge me into immediate despair and depression (unless that cycle of bi-polar had kicked in..lol). I have always found it a most interesting and amazing thing to 'self discover', whether good or bad, the little nuggets that create our me-ness”…. I have always felt special and different (and so should everyone, for we all are) and had often wondered what my unique individual contribution to mankind would be… Somewhat of a philosopher since the early age of nine, I dug constantly, analyzed and revisited many aspects of myself, my childhood and family in search of 'me'.

Recently, I have been looking for a way to combine skills learned in MPH with knowledge and personal desire, dreams and goals as well as my unique talents. I found this satisfying conclusion in the fact that I would help to develop Emotional Health as a discipline especially in developing countries where such things were scoffed at and a good scolding and some hot tea was the accepted treatment for any signs of emotional imbalance. With great intentions, there were many who due to ignorance were mis-diagnosing emotional problems and also the grand confusion and indistinct relationship with mental health/illness.

Two positives for the movement of emotional health forward were: 1. Stress, particularly in the workplace had gained considerable attention and less fortunately the suicide rate among teenagers and young people had risen (despite what Dr. Abel denies) in Jamaica. I saw my country unequipped to handle this based not only on lack of exposure but a cultural resistance to seeing emotional health as important as physical health. After all, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy, if most basic needs were not met, how could we even begin to acknowledge the growing need for a new discipline of health? Or how can we accept it as being equally important if we have lived so long without it?

So, who am I and where do I fit in to all these happenings? Having had Bipolar since adolescence (unknowingly) I recall the emotional struggles of fitting in, appearing 'normal', self esteem issues, parents divorce and many other tumultuous happenings in a teen's life. Even though I'm still here, clearly alive (maybe not so well) I completely understand the feelings that would lead to a teen attempting to take his or her own life. I empathize with every teenager who thinks that the world would be better off without them... I really do..

I have struggled through alone and unsuccessfully in many aspects and no adolescent should have to ever again. 

Emotional Health is personal to me. Only now at the age of twenty eight can I speak openly about depression and feelings of low self esteem and self harm. These things are real. I feel a need to educate my fellow Jamaicans and in doing so save your young people from needless suffering ....

More religio-psychobabble…

Deciphering the psychosocial wrangling of the apostolic world and its far reaching implications renders advanced economics and statistics to child’s play. lol

In thinking and re thinking the psychology of religion, I have stumbled upon too many negative effects which go unnoticed due to their ability to holistically integrate and interweave with one’s consciousness.

The great pile of evidence which lies before me suggests not only a change of heart and a desire to be close to God, but also an almost crippling obsession with being right, revered and envied. Persons have and will continue to deny identity, personality and even family not to develop a relationship with Christ (which nullifies none of these things) but instead a superiority which I will describe as inverse-grace.

The inverse law of secularism defines a situation wherein the persons who need a service the most, experience the lowest access to that service and also comprise of the greater bulk of those needing the service. The example can be drawn from healthcare; the poorest of the poor due to their living conditions and exposure to the social determinants of health, create a heavier burden on the health care system and are usually those who cannot afford to pay.

Inverse grace: The acknowledgement of all that is necessary for salvation followed by doing the total opposite in hopes of gaining said salvation.

The human brain is so capable of adjusting to accept any given conditions as normal, that what we or any person, group or institution can define as normal becomes obsolete... 

This is where religion fails miserably. Compared to having a relationship with God, the excessive demands to conform eventually skews one vision of what is 'normal' and hence what is 'taboo'... and results in defeating it's intended purpose...

Just saying... Change and Growth, - SB

Toddlers are endless fun...

Toddlers are endless fun, whether its riding a tricycle or potty training, Othneil never fails to crack me up! This morning I decided that I am going to potty train this child come hell or high water….only that would have been easier…lol.

So, Im cleaning the house and I hear Othneil calling, “mommy, mommy!” I find him in a tizzy running from the bathroom to the bedroom and back in a frenzy. On the ground is a small puddle changing colour as his feet dash to and fro through the mess. I still wonder how he managed not to fall at the speed at which he was going.

Anyway it turns out he had peed on the floor, pooped in his pants and he still refused to sit on the potty.  So, I took him to it and let him watch me toss in the pieces of poop (solid, thank God) then I let him flush, which he proceeded to do several times…*giggle*

He is endless fun and excitement! I stubbornly, washed out his undie and shorts and put him in clean romper with no briefs (that was his last pair). I am determined to potty train him in a week!!! He only wears diapers when sleeping or going out!

We then went to the supermarket and I decided that since this would be a long messy ride, I better be prepared. The Lysol cleaners would be great but too pricey, so I decide on a sml bottle of bleach which I will mix with some water (abt 1 in 10 parts?) I already have an empty Lysol w bleach bottle from fuller days anyway, which will create a potty training spray bottle!!! Aha! Feeling victorious! Now about dinner…