A night well spent.

Its funny how you get inspired in the most unlikely places.

We rode in numbing silence to the hospital after getting the call that my son had experienced yet another febrile convulsion ( a high unresponsive fever that triggers off epilepsy-like seizures), Strangely, I felt calm...unlike the first time, four months before when I was convinced that I was paying for some heinous unspeakable sin and surely deserved this punishment...This kind of thinking had been supported by my previous religious organization. I hadn't been to church in awhile, so here is the devil coming to take my child...?

Needless to say I felt the choking poisonous thoughts resurfacing and had to remind myself quite willfully to think positively. This time was surely different. I had grown from that, right? My indoctrinated thoughts could no longer hurt me now that I knew the truth about my organization and their intense need for control through dark means...

 I was better right? I sighed anxiously and got Oth settled in his hospital bed, plopped myself in the hard unyielding hospital chair reserved for Pediatric ward parents (they have gotta do something about those seats). I braced myself for a night of self flogging, despair and hopelessness.

...It never came. I barely slept but due to optimistic excitement about my blog, my website and a million other things that I could positively contribute to. I thought to myself: How could God want me dead (punished) after my mistake but at every turn I found myself being more and more enlightened and inspired to do wonderful things with my life and to help many people?

It so happened I brought a book, "The Authentic Power" and managed in a few chapters between sponging Othneil and carefully looking for signs of an impending seizure. It was just what I needed to whip my lazy mind back to reality. I felt so happy and upbeat I actually forgot where I was.

What if all the black and white rules we were taught about wrong and right and sin and purity were off by a few shades of gray with even some yellow , orange and green thrown in there for variety.

I made friends in the hospital that night. Women who worriedly watched over their babies and hushed them when they fussed. Women from all backgrounds and standings and religions. We bonded immediately over our singleness of purpose in that place...to see our child well and to take him/her home. A mother next to me actually got Othneil to drink his paracetamol (he has never ever!!!)....Others had encouraging words or teasing jokes to share. I was inspired.

My life isn't over! God isn't out to get me! I am still a person of value with much to offer.... But for so long, their opinions have taken a God-like role in my life that now even after leaving it is difficult to free my pattern of thought..... But I will. The night at the hospital was just another step, up another rung toward the true freedom to light and away from darkness and bondage wrapped in a frilly dress...

 Othneil: Mommy, say 'aah' [trying to get me to take his paracetamol...lol]

It was a night well spent...