To WIn, Someone Has to Lose?

Some girls in our Microbiology class were being particularly sneaky and selfish with some past papers. These were critical papers which would give us a strong idea of what to expect on finals.

Every third year Medical Technology student at University understands the importance of passing Microbiology (one of the more challenging disciplines).  We were all itching to glimpse the papers yet all we had were rumors of their existence...

One student could take no more of the selfish behavior. He finally blurted out to the group: "There are enough degrees being handed out for everyone. Why do you think others have to fail for you to pass?" The following day copies of the papers were found lying around the class for all students to access.

This Win-Lose mentality of competitive sports and games has controlled other aspects of our lives, unnecessarily and much to our detriment.

If someone has to look bad for you to feel good it doesn't say much about you.

There is a popular dance-hall song which choruses: "I am swagging, awww, too bad for you". Clearly suggesting that if I am swagging you can't be swagging too!

We see it in the corporate world as well. Managers are guilty of stifling the potential of subordinates (I hate that word by the way..ugh!). They refuse to delegate, shying away from giving up the tasks that have afforded them a particular status. When this happens, neither the manager nor the employees are allowed to grow.

Empowerment occurs when everyone wins. Everyone learns and grows from an experience and a Win-Win situation unfolds itself. This concept (now wholly adopted by me :) ), is described by Steven Covey as the 'third alternative':

You see, most people wont go through the tough work of Thinking Win-Win and Seeking First to Understand to get to the Third Alternative. It does in fact require a private victory; it requires considerable success at a personal level to get to the point where your security lies within you rather than in people's opinions of you or in being right. The power lies in your ability to be vulnerable because deep down, your integrity to your value system based on principles makes you invulnerable and secure. You can afford to be open to influence and be flexible. You can afford to search, not knowing where you will end up- knowing only that it will be better than where you and the other person are starting from.

The alternative begins with effective communication and results in co-operation. The Win-Lose mentality causes everyone to lose eventually. No one grows! It fosters selfishness, greed, corruption and monopoly.
Learning to work together so that everyone will benefit from a  project or task ensures empowerment of all parties involved.

Would you prefer to feel good when someone looks bad or feel good when you have helped someone else to look good.

Alanis Morrissette expressed it in her song, 'One'

"Did you just call her amazing? Surely we both can't be amazing. And give up my hard earned status of fabulous freak of nature? You mean we actually are all ...one."

- Change and Growth...SB

When things don’t quite add up, try changing the calculator.

It was in Statistics class that it happened. A group of variables could not be processed by a relatively known and accepted method because they failed to meet the criteria of ‘normalcy’ [normality is the actual statistical term]….

We were forced to try a different method of analyzing all the data or at least making it analyzable.. This we did by finding the log of each numeral, running the normal process then working out the anti-log to achieve the true value. It was tiresome (I wanted to quit half way through) but it worked.. We got a chance to work on the data set as if it had been normal (jeez stats is quite prejudiced..hmm).

Each of us has a unique lens through which we view the world and the happenings in it…a framework of sorts, a calculator; spitting out output based on our internal formulas. This system is influenced to a large extent by the way we see ourselves and more importantly by the programmed principles we have been exposed to and now accept as ‘truths’.

When faced with an unidentifiable situation (new) we may experience fear, denial, frustration, anger and confusion. Or if our framework has been sufficiently socially reinforced to the point where individual thinking rarely occurs, (for example if thinking is done for us) then we force that new situation into a pre-existing category in our minds. We stuff it in that box and ignore the truth and logic that we had to trim off to make it fit.

True change and growth occurs when we can find that new formula.... or experience that's called a paradigm shift.

It is time to challenge all 'knowns' or at least to question them. After all, no advancement in any area of civilization has ever occurred without first questioning the accepted truths.

Think of all the modern conveniences we now enjoy that never would have come about if some brave soul hadn't questioned the 'accepted truths'.

A night well spent.

Its funny how you get inspired in the most unlikely places.

We rode in numbing silence to the hospital after getting the call that my son had experienced yet another febrile convulsion ( a high unresponsive fever that triggers off epilepsy-like seizures), Strangely, I felt calm...unlike the first time, four months before when I was convinced that I was paying for some heinous unspeakable sin and surely deserved this punishment...This kind of thinking had been supported by my previous religious organization. I hadn't been to church in awhile, so here is the devil coming to take my child...?

Needless to say I felt the choking poisonous thoughts resurfacing and had to remind myself quite willfully to think positively. This time was surely different. I had grown from that, right? My indoctrinated thoughts could no longer hurt me now that I knew the truth about my organization and their intense need for control through dark means...

 I was better right? I sighed anxiously and got Oth settled in his hospital bed, plopped myself in the hard unyielding hospital chair reserved for Pediatric ward parents (they have gotta do something about those seats). I braced myself for a night of self flogging, despair and hopelessness.

...It never came. I barely slept but due to optimistic excitement about my blog, my website and a million other things that I could positively contribute to. I thought to myself: How could God want me dead (punished) after my mistake but at every turn I found myself being more and more enlightened and inspired to do wonderful things with my life and to help many people?

It so happened I brought a book, "The Authentic Power" and managed in a few chapters between sponging Othneil and carefully looking for signs of an impending seizure. It was just what I needed to whip my lazy mind back to reality. I felt so happy and upbeat I actually forgot where I was.

What if all the black and white rules we were taught about wrong and right and sin and purity were off by a few shades of gray with even some yellow , orange and green thrown in there for variety.

I made friends in the hospital that night. Women who worriedly watched over their babies and hushed them when they fussed. Women from all backgrounds and standings and religions. We bonded immediately over our singleness of purpose in that place...to see our child well and to take him/her home. A mother next to me actually got Othneil to drink his paracetamol (he has never ever!!!)....Others had encouraging words or teasing jokes to share. I was inspired.

My life isn't over! God isn't out to get me! I am still a person of value with much to offer.... But for so long, their opinions have taken a God-like role in my life that now even after leaving it is difficult to free my pattern of thought..... But I will. The night at the hospital was just another step, up another rung toward the true freedom to light and away from darkness and bondage wrapped in a frilly dress...

 Othneil: Mommy, say 'aah' [trying to get me to take his paracetamol...lol]

It was a night well spent... 

The lifting of the edges....

A man told his grandson: "A terrible fight is going on inside me -- a fight between two wolves. One is evil, and represents hate, anger, arrogance, intolerance, and superiority. The other is good, and represents joy, peace, love, tolerance, understanding, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, and compassion. This same fight is going on inside you, inside every other person too."

The grandson then asked: "Which wolf will win?" The old man replied simply:  "The one you feed."  -Anon.

The fight has been heightened inside me these past few months. I have been directly and indirectly exposed to many stories and experiences shared by persons of several faiths and I must say I have found a common trait. I have come face to face with the lowest, most embarrassing and sickening aspects of a movement I have supported and promoted for years.

I have had to face myself too. My own prejudices and intolerance, which have slowly melted away. Then the most wonderful thing happened…. I fell in love with humanity. I could now see a man not with all his shortcomings and sins. But instead I see a man, subject to the challenges and inevitable scars of a past, a childhood that he had no control over. I now see every human being as having a story just like my own. I have fallen in love with the rights of those who cannot cry out for themselves. But now I feel more concerned with their plight than with their presence in a pew.

I remember a graphic picture in class that left me weeping for hours at the condition in which people, children live. My heart breaks for children especially since they have less say and apparently less rights. I see their large innocent eyes, wondering and waiting for the love that each human being deserves regardless of race, religion or creed.

I see myself in the eyes of many suffering and confused, not necessarily physically but emotionally or mentally or even the socially rejected. I talk big about not caring what people think; all my friends know this. The truth is: I bash my image preserving friends real hard because on the inside I really care even more than they do. I am terrified of being rejected and in the past have taken drastic steps to avoid it. I have the same priority in church. The crowd changes but the principle remains the same… I tried as soon as possible to fit in… My clothes had to be just right to not stand out too much and the behavior had to be in sync with what everyone else was doing… whether it was getting married, exhorting or being actively involved in a department.

But whose life was I touching? I shunned my neighbors because they didn’t have the spiritual revelations that I did. They were obviously heathens with an agenda headed to hell. I could argue on any point of doctrine expertly and rarely lost an argument. Still I rode on this self-proclaimed righteousness, believing that my improved religious status gave me the right. I also found that over time it became harder and harder to love and show the love of Jesus but easier to stick to persons of my belief.

Humans are social beings. Any social organization or group accepts members based on some qualifications and after the period of initiation is over (Proving oneself) then you are slowly integrated into the system of thinking, behaving and speaking. 

No matter how much of a rebel you try to be against these ridiculous traditional practices, the environment gets to you. If it doesn’t grate on your nerves, it slowly integrates you until you speak and look just like everybody else. Its not an environment that those who are ‘different; can survive in for very long. You either wont be allowed to actively participate in anything or you will be ignored or spoken badly of. The social part of any human being cannot withstand being ostracized for very long.

I think the root of the problem is that we have placed the rules and regulations on such a high pedestal that love takes a backseat. 

Ghandi said: “I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are nothing like your Christ”

When did a bath become the most luxurious thing to look forward to at the end of the day?

A long shower, taking my own time, using creamy body wash and a special scrub to slough off all old skill cells, tiredness and worries of the day.  Sometimes I go the nine yards and light candles. I look forward to it so much that I’d be angry at Jr for coming home late thus causing me to prolong my wait for the beloved shower time. I just snapped at him in fact for merely suggesting that he take a shower before me…

I cant shower comfortably when Im at home with Oth. This ridiculous notion was birthed while he was still a new born and I watched him vigilantly (even when asleep). Id take snap showers.. three minutes, is my record I believe. In fact long before Camp 2010, I had practiced the principle; turn off the pipe, soap up, turn on the pipe, rinse off, then get the hell out… not in an effort to conserve water but so I could hear every anticipated sound from our bedroom where Oth soundly slept.

Another strategy was to shower before Jr left for work in the mornings! Now that would make my whole day considerably better! But when that failed I often waited until the six o clock hours before I had a really decent shower. It wasn’t so bad when Oth became a toddler, walked, watched TV and could be held spell bound by it long enough for me to indulge.. Then that was at the apartment which was completely baby proof… But here in this much larger house belonging to my hoarder mom (love ya mom), I leave Oth in a room by himself and images of things crashing down on him invade my mind… Him putting his hand in the toilets or finding objects to ingest… For example!! This morning I caught him trying to drink some cuticle oil which was packaged in a very enticing  glass bottle with an unusual shape..which toddler could resist??

Its not just me though, Oth also seems to think that I most definitely should not have a bath when he is awake or around. Once I get in the tub (this has happened too many times) he would appear in the bathroom, try to get in the tub or throw things at me, or just deftly move the curtain and burst out in a peal of uncontrollable giggling…(what does he see that’s sooo funny?)

I just find it impossible to relax in the shower when Oth is here…. So I maniacally defend my shower rights once Jr gets home. The bathroom becomes my place of escape, if only for a few minutes, Im just tending to me…. Hmmm I wonder how I would manage as a single mom?

Sylphe or Stephanie? Who Am I?

In 2010/2011 while pursuing a graduate degree in Public Health, I was diagnosed (albeit self) with two incurable, untreatable diseases: Psoriasis, an immune condition of the skin triggered by stress and Bi-polar disorder, a mental health illness resulting in severe depression or excessive unrealistic feelings of high…the greater the high, the greater the low that followed it.

Strangely, the knowledge of these conditions didn’t take me by surprise neither did they plunge me into immediate despair and depression (unless that cycle of bi-polar had kicked in..lol). I have always found it a most interesting and amazing thing to 'self discover', whether good or bad, the little nuggets that create our me-ness”…. I have always felt special and different (and so should everyone, for we all are) and had often wondered what my unique individual contribution to mankind would be… Somewhat of a philosopher since the early age of nine, I dug constantly, analyzed and revisited many aspects of myself, my childhood and family in search of 'me'.

Recently, I have been looking for a way to combine skills learned in MPH with knowledge and personal desire, dreams and goals as well as my unique talents. I found this satisfying conclusion in the fact that I would help to develop Emotional Health as a discipline especially in developing countries where such things were scoffed at and a good scolding and some hot tea was the accepted treatment for any signs of emotional imbalance. With great intentions, there were many who due to ignorance were mis-diagnosing emotional problems and also the grand confusion and indistinct relationship with mental health/illness.

Two positives for the movement of emotional health forward were: 1. Stress, particularly in the workplace had gained considerable attention and less fortunately the suicide rate among teenagers and young people had risen (despite what Dr. Abel denies) in Jamaica. I saw my country unequipped to handle this based not only on lack of exposure but a cultural resistance to seeing emotional health as important as physical health. After all, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy, if most basic needs were not met, how could we even begin to acknowledge the growing need for a new discipline of health? Or how can we accept it as being equally important if we have lived so long without it?

So, who am I and where do I fit in to all these happenings? Having had Bipolar since adolescence (unknowingly) I recall the emotional struggles of fitting in, appearing 'normal', self esteem issues, parents divorce and many other tumultuous happenings in a teen's life. Even though I'm still here, clearly alive (maybe not so well) I completely understand the feelings that would lead to a teen attempting to take his or her own life. I empathize with every teenager who thinks that the world would be better off without them... I really do..

I have struggled through alone and unsuccessfully in many aspects and no adolescent should have to ever again. 

Emotional Health is personal to me. Only now at the age of twenty eight can I speak openly about depression and feelings of low self esteem and self harm. These things are real. I feel a need to educate my fellow Jamaicans and in doing so save your young people from needless suffering ....

More religio-psychobabble…

Deciphering the psychosocial wrangling of the apostolic world and its far reaching implications renders advanced economics and statistics to child’s play. lol

In thinking and re thinking the psychology of religion, I have stumbled upon too many negative effects which go unnoticed due to their ability to holistically integrate and interweave with one’s consciousness.

The great pile of evidence which lies before me suggests not only a change of heart and a desire to be close to God, but also an almost crippling obsession with being right, revered and envied. Persons have and will continue to deny identity, personality and even family not to develop a relationship with Christ (which nullifies none of these things) but instead a superiority which I will describe as inverse-grace.

The inverse law of secularism defines a situation wherein the persons who need a service the most, experience the lowest access to that service and also comprise of the greater bulk of those needing the service. The example can be drawn from healthcare; the poorest of the poor due to their living conditions and exposure to the social determinants of health, create a heavier burden on the health care system and are usually those who cannot afford to pay.

Inverse grace: The acknowledgement of all that is necessary for salvation followed by doing the total opposite in hopes of gaining said salvation.

The human brain is so capable of adjusting to accept any given conditions as normal, that what we or any person, group or institution can define as normal becomes obsolete... 

This is where religion fails miserably. Compared to having a relationship with God, the excessive demands to conform eventually skews one vision of what is 'normal' and hence what is 'taboo'... and results in defeating it's intended purpose...

Just saying... Change and Growth, - SB