Change and Grow: Who needs a relationship when you have a cause?

On relationships and other distractions….

I’m addicted to planning, clearly…. It’s the Virgo in me. I’m also slightly Leon which is a relief, I’ve never felt like a true Virgo anyway…And you are wondering what the hell I’m talking about .

Ok…

The never-ending search continues digging and probing into self with various psychological and now astrological instruments…. Red Button says Sylphe sounds like self-search – somehow… I’m drifting. You will notice that this post is poorly constructed, worded, thought out and riddled with stray points, loops and distractions – which leads me back to my original point….

Intimate relationships are distracting…

I’m sitting on this overlapping leg of life where at 30 (ok….29), I’m desperately trying to unlearn all of the ideas and beliefs I mindlessly swallowed and find what suits me best based on my unique identity. It happens to us all; to varying degrees at various intervals of life. In grade 3 we were taught in Subtraction that three minus five – you can’t!! Then by grade six the answer to the same question changed quite concretely to negative two!! It went on and on like this with Math especially. Problems thought to be unsolvable, would be attacked with a new more complicated formula etc..

I despise absolutes and I believe knowledge to be cumulative. Things learned in the past are superseded by better information from a more knowledgeable (or more evolved) source.

Old ideas become obsolete when new improved ways are discovered. Dear Darling.. Don’t even think about mentioning God. The myriad of interpretations of the bible alone has not even begun to scratch the iceberg’s surface. I believe in evolution… not just of man but of beliefs, religions, even truths. Darn it! I’ve strayed again haven’t I?

*shuffling back meekly*

Back to relationships….

I’m in one.....

With a guy.....

Who shan’t be named....

Despite my self-professed cynicism, I am a romantic at heart (gross). But the thing is this: I’m beginning to wonder if I have been substituting true empowerment ( which I stumbled upon on my way out of a legalistic organization and away from a religious marriage) for some flowery feelings which will eventually wilt. You see the consistent flow of inner conflict? My realism and romanticism are at it again.

So Astrology is my latest interest (via my convicted sis)…. Wait a minute!! I see a pattern here!! (For another post, I promise…).

If I am a perfect Leo/Virgo cusp (that’s a person whose signs overlap and hence they display characteristics of both)[ Random thought: Virgos sound anal], that would explain a lot!! I am also exploring the possibility of bipolars merely being on the cusp of two very incompatible zodiac signs. I am a perfect blend of the lion and the virgin.

Anyway….no more drifts no matter how entertaining it is…

My neglected blog is evidence of my shift in mental/creative energy towards my new beau. After months of bashing (when will I learn not to bash?) disempowered women, I am severely embarrassed. My slightly addictive and quite obsessive nature (as pointed out by my cardiologist) has led me to be quite smitten with this twirly glittery thing I will call “deep like” – I choked that out, I swear!

I feel the sweaty palmed fear of Liz in ‘Eat Pray Love’ at the notion of losing this new independent/empowering/self-accepting plane that I grasped with slippery hands and somehow heaved myself up on. I’ve feared to the point where I shaped this damning opinion; that relationships are for weaklings who didn’t know themselves and are clearly beneath me.

Julia Roberts ['Liz' in Eat Pray Love]

This feeling is encouraged especially if I break out in a rampage while searching for empowering material on the Net. I am the left with a euphoric independent high, one rank up on the mentally evolved chain.

*gasp* could this be: Independent pride?

It isn’t all in my head though. Studies have linked autonomy to happiness. Being single is exhilarating! It’s the new chic, and not just a fad either.

Maybe: The key is to maintain autonomy by recognizing that I want/choose to be in a cuddly sweet twirly thing however I don’t need to be in one. In other words, I’m still Stephie, the kooky bipolar, enjoying this journey in unexplored territory. Still me… just dating a nice guy (he is quite nice ).

Can I maintain my independence and by extension- identity or will the annoyingly feminine part of me start to shape shift to better ‘fit’ him. This is my true fear. Especially after realizing that it is easier to conform than to maintain one’s unique edges.

I like my edges.